Afraid I Can't Do This

by Allison
(Fort Worth, TX, USA)

Hi Ladies,

Thak you so much for putting up a site like this. I cant tell if it's still being monitored, but I pray that it is, and you wonderful ladies can help me.

For almost a year, I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man who has character, integrity, confidence, and faith in God. He had an equally horrible ending to his first marriage, though in a different way, and was also praying that God would send him a specific woman.

We talk for hours, have a wonderful relationship, and I can honestly say that I've never met a man who gets me like he does. It is my belief that he is the one I prayed for, and he believes the same about me.

We were 1200 miles apart when we met, and in August of last year, I made the decision, after a lot of prayer, to move to his state so he could still be close to his 3 children. I've done a lot of things that I wouldn't normally do since meeting him, and so far, haven't regretted any of it.

Three months after I moved, he was offered a job driving OTR. I knew the job he had wasn't paying him enough, and this would give him the opportunity to make the kind of money he needed.

Still, I was really sad, because I never wanted to date a truck driver...I had been approached other times by men who drove OTR, but kindly turned them down, because I knew I wanted more attention than their job would allow them to give me.

The reality of this job is just as I thought, and I hate it. I feel like I've finally met the man I want to take care of for the rest of my life, and it hurts that he has a job that won't allow me to do that - at least, not the way I hoped.

My SO, to be fair, is being pulled in several different directions, and my relationship with him isn't the only thing that has had to adjust as a result of him taking this job. He has visitation with his children every other weekend, and has to leave them early on Sundays so he can begin his runs.

During his visitation, weekends, we talk a little, but I don't see him. When I moved here, I would see him Sunday evenings after dropping his children off at their mom's home, but since this new job, his brother has to drop them off now, because he has to be out on the road early on Sundays.

On a good run, he may be home one night in the middle of the week, but he will get in with just enough time to eat, shower, and sleep, and start over the next day.

As we have decided not to live together or do "other things" until we're married, even though he may come in the one night a week, and usually spend it with me, there are some times where he just wants to go home that one night and sleep in his own bed, which I understand.

He also doesn't have a lot of free time just to himself. Some people think that he has enough free time while he's driving, but I know better - he's out there working, and I really respect the effort it takes for him to do what he does.

I am doing my best to adjust. If his arrival time doesn't interfere with my son's bedtime, I pick him up from the airport when he comes in (he drives anywhere from 1-4 brand new semi trucks to dealerships across the country, and flies back home when he's done).

If he is spending the one night a week with me, I wash his clothes, make sure he has a home-cooked meal, and we talk until we're both too tired to talk anymore. The weekends that we have time together, he gives me his undivided attention, and we always have a great time.

I know this is hard for him too, so I don't bring up his job when we are together - there's really no point.

At the same time, I'm still adjusting to being in a new part of the country. Everyone I know is back in my home state - 1200 miles away. I don't have any new friends here, and haven't found a babysitter for my son yet - family members or close friends used to do all that for me.

If I were back home, this would be a little easier - I could spend the time with my friends, and even enjoy some alone time knowing my son was being taken care of by grandparents. As it stands, it's just me and my son, and my SO is the only person I know in the area.

I am a very social, and outgoing person, and with things the way they are, I am very, very, very, very lonely. My sister is also dating someone special, and when she tells me that she's getting ready to go out with her boyfriend, or mentions that they are in the middle of cooking dinner together, I tear up a little.

Everything we've done has been with my son, so we haven't had an official "date" yet - not to the movies, not to dinner, a walk through the park - nothing. Right now, I'm lucky if I see him more than 3 times a month...a MONTH!

I love this man. I am grateful to meet someone willing to make this kind of sacrifice to take care of his children, and provide for the woman he wants to marry at some point (me).

It took me 6 months to find a job when I moved here, and he really stepped up to make sure my son and I were taken care of - we had food, our lights were never turned off, we were always warm, and he even cut my little boy's hair the times I couldn't afford to get it done myself.

These are also the things that make me want to be with him more, so I feel like I'm in a tug of war with my head and my heart.

I keep telling myself that this will probably be better once we're married, because his home will be our home, and when his children come to visit, they will be at our place, but what if I never get used to this?

Will it ever get better? What can I do to get through this?

Sorry so long, but thanks for listening.

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May 19, 2012
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Dear Sad
by: Anonymous

Really there is nothing to be sad about, you and your new "friend" are starting out the way most people do. Seeing each other every so often, texting then not texting, is pretty normal I say.

Fear is our one true enemy when starting out in a new relationship especially with the baggage most people bring into their next relationship.

If a person works on dealing with the old issues first before entering into a new relationship things would turn out better for them. As well if the other person that is entering into a relationship knows the person has past issues to deal with, they must step aside until those issues are dealt with, then there wont be any hurt feelings.

Past relationship baggage and hurt feelings are a recipe for disaster when beginning a new relationship or "friends" ship.

Good Luck :)
Helonwheels

May 19, 2012
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your a great person..
by: Anonymous

For having relocated so you could be with him. You decided not to live together because you want to set a good moral example for the kids? So, you relocated to be near him only to live alone in a seperate residence?

In my opinion, and it is only an opinion, i'm not walking in your shoes, I think the two of you SHOULD live together before getting married.

It's a good way to decided if your truly compatible and to see if the situation is really what you want and if it will work or not. That way if it doesn't work your not forced to endure a divorce ect. Your post made me feel a little better about my own situation but it made me kind of sad for myself too.

I really like this trucker guy a lot. He told me he really likes me a lot, he told me that a month ago. His attitude seems to have changed towards me though.

He still asks me to come to his house to spend the night every couple of weeks but aside from that I never hear from him when I text him and i'm left wondering if I will ever hear from him again. We do not have the title of boyfriend/girlfriend so I have no claim to him(he has no obligation to me).

I am sure that I overwhelmed him with too many text messages in the beginning and the texts were basically all about how good he would have it if he was to date me. He says he is single because his past girlfriends cheated on him and he doesn't believe in cheating and therefore he doesn't Danny it done to him. He is obviously gun shy about getting into a relationship because he fears the same thing happening again.

Makes me feel better that i'm not the only girl that only sees the guy a couple or a few days a month (at least your in an actual relationship with your man). This guy I like is an obvious work aholic (doesn't bother me in the least though, seriously, not being sarcastic when I say that either)

May 17, 2012
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Looks like you have the answers :)
by: Anonymous

Oh, in no way was I being mean, the problem with writing online is that you cant get the full effect of a comment without the emotion attached as we are able to speaking face to face or phone to phone! :)

I am glad we were all able to help you come up with your own answers because ultimtlely our own answers are what we listen to in the end.

So a big hooray for your decisions and I am sure all will work out in the end as long as we stay attached to the Lord!!

Good Luck Sincerely :)

May 17, 2012
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Thanks / Clarification
by: Original Poster

Anonymous - There may be a chance I wasn't clear, so I'll try not to be too offended by your comment. I'm pretty sure in my original post I said that "we" had made the decision to not have sex before marriage - that wasn't a coverup for me to say I made the decision, and he's just dealing with it, it is a MUTUAL decision. 2 of my SO's children are teenage girls. It is his desire, and mine to set the example of how we want them, as well as my son, to live there lives, and so we've decided to practice what we preach. Yes, I do understand that way of thinking can seem "old-fashioned," but this decision hasn't been forced on anyone - we each had this mindset when we met each other so there have been no surprises in this area. In terms of marriage, I will say this: most of the wounds from my previous marriage were physical; my SO's wounds from his previous marriage are more emotional..as emotional wounds take longer to heal, he needs more time to make that committment. I'd marry him today, but as hard as it is to wait, I love him enough to give him that time.

Hervy, we have talked about this. It is not his goal to be on the road forever, but what he wants is someone who loves him enough to hang in there with him, even though it may not be ideal, and remain faithful and trustworthy without whining about the obvious lack of time apart. I want to be that for him, but because I never desired this type of lifestyle for myself, I am looking for some things I can do to make the transition a little easier for me, without constantly complaining to him about it. Though I don't see him much now, the idea of not having him in my life at all hurts more, so like it or not, I'm here, and I have to make the best of it....I just need to know how to do that.

Rabbit, what you said about my support net being nonexistent, and the fact that his children's lives haven't changed much compared to mine and my son's are things that I have tried to discuss with him, but I don't think he really gets it. I would have nothing to complain about if he was doing this job before I moved, but that wasn't the case, and maybe he's just too focused on other things to really see what I'm saying to him. I'm glad to know someone else picked up on those things without me having to say a word. Now, I know I'm not crazy!! Lol.

To answer your question, one great thing we have going for us is our level of communication. We talk every day, and for hours at a time. I always know where he is, and sometimes he'll send pictures of where he is so I can take a look at the view. I receive a phone call or text message every night before we go to sleep. I definitely appreciate what he does do, which is why I feel so bad about not being okay with this yet...I just wish he had given us more time to be together and build a foundation, and given me more time to build a support system before all this. Still, I know he really needed to make more money, and did what he had to do.

May 17, 2012
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Time for Decisions
by: Rabbit

Hervy is right. It's time to sit down and have a serious talk about the future. Not only would I want to know the goals for 5 and 10 years from now for both of you, but I would figure out how long you can continue like this before giving up. It doesn't sound to me like this relationship can last 5 years if that is the time frame that gets set to get a local job.

Relationships need work for them to grow and it is almost impossible to build a solid one with the time frame you have. Your 3 days a month are being shared with his kids and your son. While they are all important, that leaves nothing for just the two of you.

The largest stress-inducing things in life are moves, marriages, new jobs, and deaths. You both are going through one or more of those things to ultimately accomplish another of those things...and you don't have a solid foundation for that marriage and it looks like you have no way of establishing it at the present.

I assume you at least talk on the phone while he is OTR. Time to tell him that you NEED to talk if the two of you are ever going to have a deeper relationship. Schedule a time the next time he comes home. Stick to it. This is affecting 6 people, ultimately, but right now it is seriously impacting your life and the life of your son, since your "support net" is non-existent. His 3 kids still have their regular home and mother, and little has changed for them. His job situation has changed, but you home AND job has changed.

Good luck! If I didn't have a solid 32-year marriage, I could never deal with the OTR for weeks at a time. But I still have the same home, same friends when he is gone. And we deal with this 5-year "hiccup" in our lives because we have a solid foundation. The only way we established that was by being together.

May 17, 2012
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Afraid
by: Anonymous

You both are not "doing other things"? The only solution to this problem is that you need to either get married to this guy or step aside!!!

Do you even know how hard it is to be a truck driver? Warm meal, hot shower, is not going to be enough for this man, that has 3 children??? He did not get those children by not doing "other things".

Really this is a reality check. Even though you are a believer in the Lord, we do have bodily needs? You can not be that old fashion, I am sorry if this sounds harsh but if you really want to keep this keeper throw out the wait game and get married. So you can have a honeymoon every time he comes home for the rest of your life!! :)

May 16, 2012
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Can You Do It?
by: Hervy

Allison, the best thing that you can do is to sit down and have a serious discussion about your plans for the future together.

What are the goals? 5 years. 10 years.

This alone will give you a little reality. If he has no target (goals) then you have a chance to help come up with them. That is if you two are on the same page.

In my mind, you love each other. Both of you seem to be decent people who are into each other. If hat is true, I would suspect that you can come together on future plans.

If you are compatible.

You have stated that you are the type who want him around. Hopefully he is the type that would rather be around than on the road.

If this is the case, 5 year plan should include a goal of him being able to leave from over the road and drive local or do something.

Five years is long enough for two people to be able to position themselves to make this happen. You can get training to make more money in that time. He can get training to qualify for other types of employment in that time.

If however, he has no plans to come off the road.

Then you have to make some different types of decisions. Better to make those decisions as soon as possible. If you leave or stay look at the big picture before you take action.

Determine what is important to you. If you are going to be depressed about the relationship then it's hard to imagine allowing it to go even further.

If you can determine steps needed in order to change your situation in a few years so that you can spend more time together, that seems to be something that both of you would find comforting.

Best of luck

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