Being a trucker wife with depression and BPD

My common law husband has been driving truck for 3 years now. He is Canada- US long haul.

I trust him. I love him. I have no doubts in my mind about his faithfulness, his love, his commitment to me. He is a knight in shining armor. He is kind and gentle and I know he loves me.

But then he is gone. And I am alone all over again. I know I should feel thankful. I should feel blessed to have someone making a sacrifice like that, to be away from home.

But I can't help but resent him for it. I can't help but think: it was his choice to be on the road. It was his choice to leave me. He is gone and there is no one but him that can change that. I've been hearing the "oh I'm sick of this too" forever. Nothing ever seems to change.

I suffer from depression and mental health issues. I cope on my own, but it is much easier with a support system behind me. I can't help but think about having him home. I want to feel his presence, not have a relationship ship with a phone. There is nothing he can do over the phone to help me as I go through an anxiety attack.

I don't know. He is an amazing man. I am lucky and I know it. I don't like to bitch, but sometimes the feelings of loneliness, the exhaustion, the never ending unknown... it gets to you.