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Emotional Bankrupt

by Kathleen Whitt
(Texas)

My Husband is a OTR truck driver who is gone 6 weeks and then home 6 days. We are Newlyweds and are deeply in Love. When he is home it is absolutely beautiful but when he is on the road the time wears on and he won't talk about anyting but mundane day to day things. I have tried everything to feel connected and respect his emotional makeup but he will always respond with "No FU-FU" or "put your big girl panties and deal with it" I even suggested that at the 3 week marker he agree to talk emotional and talk about he really feels {I miss you }. He agreed but it has never happened. He will just tell me "not today I don't feel like Fu fu" I can't put my feelings off forever so what do I do? I love him deeply but the emptiness is becoming too much. He is away 300 days a year so I only have 65 days to connect with him. Even though he is a special man I don't know if I can settle for only such a small time connecting with the one I Love. Any suggestions?I am ready to call it a day!!

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Jan 25, 2009
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Here is the perfect solution
by: Hervy

This very page of information.

If he would not get angry about you posting the question on line, I would suggest you show him what you posted and the responses to it.

Sounds like he is not taking you seriously to respond with the fu-fu crap and big girl panties.

Jennifer said what I was going to say first and foremost.

Write a letter stating your concerns, (what you stated in your post is really good) this lets him know how important this issue is to you and how much him and your relationship with him means to you. Any man after seeing that who doesn't then make an attempt to take action in a way that meets you somewhere in the middle on communication has a serious problem and need counseling in my opinion.

I don't see how someone could love you (if they are not self centered)and not show compassion for your feelings. Especially something this serious. Especially if the relationship is in jeopardy. That would mean to drop the childish big girl panties crap.

Like I said, there is a lot of good advice in these responses, I hope some of it gets you some favorable results.

Jan 24, 2009
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She misses him
by: Jimmy

Hi Kathleen, don't know if you know about 'SKYPE.com' but assuming you have web cam and speakers, you can video each other free with no time limit anywhere in the world as often as you want. A great way to keep in touch. Check it out. It's all free. Jimmy

Jan 24, 2009
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Hey Now!
by: Onespeed

Miss Kathleen, Just thought to tell ya'll to get computers going and email as much as possible,there are websites like this and another called www.chickentrucker.com that families use to keep in touch with each other and other drivers and wives of drivers, bring it on I'm sure you will be welcomed by them.

Jan 24, 2009
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Another driver's view
by: Keith Schnittker

Kathleen,
I can identify what you are going through from experience. When i started driving,i got into the, "you don't understand what my life is like,and I don't have time for the drama at home while on the road," syndrome myself.

As a driver its very easy to slip into the belief that while on the road,your day to day problems are the only ones that matter. And i guess that is fine if you are single,but as a married trucker i have come to learn that even though I am not there I still have to be in the loop per se.

I have also learned that it is very hard to step out of my box as my wife Jennifer is so fond of saying. I realize now,and not without a few disagreements and stuff between us that her life at home is as important to her as mine on the road is to me.

I have always been the kind to express myself,and show and address feelings,but you have to remember that even not in a truck,not all men are good with the fu-fu as you call it. And something else to remember, as you say he wants to tell you what you think is the mundane day to day stuff on the road,remember,maybe he feels the same about the stuff at home.

Try to find a happy medium,as he needs to open his mind to listening to you vent and express yourself,you also have to take into consideration that the things you find mundane about his day,are very important to him and he wants to tell ya about them. What i am saying i guess is that in some way,and this is gonna be up to the two of you,you need to find ways to work on your communications.

This is very very important if the two of you wish to keep a good,healthy relationship with his career choice. It can work but believe me,it is never easy,Jen and I still run into things like this and im only gone 5 nights a week,home every weekend.

But,if the both of you truly love each other and want this to work,it will take a lot of hard work from both sides,including admitting what each of you is doing wrong and working diligently to change those things.

Remember also,that YOU cant change him,he has to,all you can do is work on you and hope that through good communication he will realize that he has things to change also. Best of luck to the both of you and dont give up

Jan 24, 2009
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Communication
by: Collin Barnette

I can relate to this on several different levels. My first wife left me when I was out to sea for 9 months. I devistated me to get a Dear John letter after no mail for eight weeks when we pulled into Sidney. I am saying he needs to feel he has somone strong and suppoeting him back home.

I agree with what Jennifer has said. The two of you must find a way to communicate and that does include your feelings for one another. He may be doing what he loves but it is only fair and reasonable to include you in all aspects of his life.

The next time you man is home try taking him out to his truck and have a little pic nic right there in the truck and talk about stuff. He might see that he can think and talk about you while his butt is in the seat. You might get a feel for his world on the road.

I am getting ready to go on the road and have just met a great woman. I feel that if our relationship gets closer it may end badly because I will be gone so much. But I am one to always share my feelings so I think we have a much batter chance. The key as jennifer said earlier is communication. But that goes for just about everything in life, Right?

Jan 24, 2009
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Unemotional
by: Jennifer Schnittker

Kathleen,

It seems that your husband my have problems with intimacy (no I do not mean sexuality-but intimacy-deep sharing and connecting emotional.

On the road, some drivers seem to become different animals. The only thing they truly want/need to deal with is their job.

A good way to look at this is like this. If your husband worked a factory job, lets say, from 8-5pm, would you call him and tell him about the "fu-fu" going on? (fu fu I am guessing means daily problems with you?!?!)

My guess would be no, not unless it was an emergency. So how about trying to come to an agreement, that when he shuts down, you have your chance to vent? WE all need to vent. It is very hard being a single-wife, and if your spouse is your best friend--then it makes it harder when he is not willing/unable to connect on such an intimate level.

I am also going to take another stab at this, but how long have you two been together?

If he is home 6 days in a row, I would consider marriage counseling. The thing that is going to be of the utmost importance in your ability make this marriage continue to work with him gone so long, is the ability to communicate! (when you suggest this to him, tell him it is just because you want to understand what HE is going through!! do not put it on "his bads" or he may buck)

I do believe I would tell him that "No fu fu" and "put your big girl panties on" is VERY derogatory, and hurts you. He needs to LISTEN! Even if he has no input and there is nothing he can do about the situation. You truly have got to let him know that you need him emotionally.

Many men (and I am not stereotyping) miss ques if they are given in a woman's "round about way." They do much better with exact information.

So the next time he says "No fu fu, put your big girl panties on", Start by saying "I feel statements"

Trying to leave out the "You" may be taken a bit better.

Such as: "I feel as if the things I go through is not important"
"I feel as if I am only a 56 day a year wife","I feel very hurt by that."

Try very hard to keep him out of it, but yet put it into his lap. There is a LOT of time for a driver to think on the road--and they do.

Try writing a letter--pointing out exactly how you feel if verbalizing on the phone, or even face-to-face falls apart. Put it in his bag when packing--somewhere you KNOW he will find it.
No matter how bad communication is (and believe me, being married to a driver--even Keith is not perfect) You have got to keep trying.

I am trying to see what I can do about putting together a Truckers wives support group--one here online and via life as a trucker. I meant to get in touch with Crazy, and see what he could come up with. In the mean time, my email addy is jenspast1991@yahoo.com

I do hope this helps--if not, I am sure I can come up with some more suggestions.

Jennifer

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