I really dont know anymore

by Kelly
(Lorain Ohio )

hi everyone , this will be pretty long because there is ALOT going on ( I apologize in advance) my fiancé is OTR , We gave up our home and everything and I was in the truck with him full time for 2 1/2 years. At first it was fine and then the novelty wore off and I HATED IT!!!

While I was in the truck we found out I was pregnant so we got a house and I got out of the truck. Not long after getting out we went to my dr appt and we found out that his brain and lungs wasn't developing and his heart was weak, they told us he would not live once he was born ( we already had 5 miscarriages) so we decided that a abortion was the best thing to do. When I had the procedure done he was not there with me. He was home when the appt was made and could have been there but chose not to be 😪😡.

After I had the abortion I really did try to be ok, but I just couldn't fake it!!( I had and raised a child conceived out of rape, I do NOT believe in abortion) I tried to hide my pain for loosing my son , my hate for myself because of what I had done , and my anger for him because he wasn't there. For a while everything was fine. I was able to go on with life. Now I can't anymore!!!!!!!!!

For the past month 1/2 all we ever do is fight ( I mean BAD BAD BAD arguments ) not just because of the baby but everything. He wants me to talk to him about everything but when I do he screams at me. I pay all the bills, manage all the money , hold down the house and take care of EVERYTHING, plus I work and go to school . Nothing seems to be enough for him. He always finds a reason to bitch and scream at me! I AM SICK OF IT ALL!!!!!!!!!

We both decided to start individual therapy and then couples therapy but I don't know if it will help. He makes decisions about when he will be home by himself ( idk about it u t it's decided at all) he came thru Ohio ( where we live ) with a load 4th of July weekend and he didn't even tell me he's was gonna be in town. He went to stay at his aunt and uncles house 1 1/2 hrs away from home. When I found out I was pissed and hurt and of course I was wrong and was over -reacting . He makes decisions like that all the time without asking my views but if I make a decision here at home without asking him all hell breaks loose.

I know he's not cheating on me!! ( truthfully I wish he was, bcuz then I would have to deal with him when I turn him down) I do love him and I know he loves me but the way things are isn't working and we're both ready to walk away. Please help?!?!? Oh yea and another thing.... He is home 3-4 days a month and I am not ALLOWED to go anywhere, do anyrthing fun. If I do it's a bitch fest. I really don't know what to do anymore