My Whole Life Got Turned Upside Down This Year

by Desperate to fix my life

I could really use some outside opinions and advice.

My husband and I have been married for over 2 years. We lived together for a couple of years before that.

I never really was a fan of his pursuit of this job, but I wanted to be supportive since he was miserable in his old career. He said I wasn't going to stop him anyway and he wasn't worried about what I wanted and that he needed this.

He also said it was something he's wanted to do for a long time, but never thought to share it with me the entire time we've been together, so this entire thing was kind of a shock.

He's been a trucker for a year and a half now and I've finally come to terms that this is what he really wants to do.

I wasn't the best at supporting him during the first year and I will always feel terrible about it. I did my best, but someone has to see the hardships in living without your husband for weeks at a time, right?

My loneliness isn't a justification for my behavior, but it makes it relatable at least, right?

He has a better job now and he's home every weekend, but it seems like that has made life even worse for him.

He has a child from a previous relationship. The child and I can't wait to see him, and each other, every weekend. However, he complains that he never has enough free time for himself and gets very upset because he doesn't want to disappoint us.

We've been trying to have kids of our own for a year now, but recently he told me that he's not sure he wants anymore kids. When I asked him why, he said that he's almost free, while pointing to the child's room.

I've wanted to be a mother my whole life. I'm devastated. Not too long before this, he said that if it wasn't for his only child, he'd just run away and disappear, leaving everything and everyone behind because life is easier and less stressful by himself.

I took this hard, because why am I not enough for him? I have my problems, but I never thought I'd be that easy for him to toss aside thoughtlessly like trash, or that he'd say it so easily to my face.

He told me upfront when we first started dating, that he wanted to get married, have more kids, get full custody of his child and be a family man. All the things he said he wanted in the beginning have slowly changed ever since he started trucking.

Not that I'm blaming the job. Maybe the job gave him a look at what life could be like without us in it? Maybe he likes it more than being with us?
I love him so much. What am I supposed to do?

Maybe if I show him I can function without him again, he'll stay? I'd rather have only a little of him in my life than not at all.

Additionally, a close family member of his died in late March this year. Around the same time, I developed a new disability. He's had to deal with grief and stress from trying to support me.

He can't support me emotionally, but he has been financially. His attitude towards me changed drastically since then.

He threatens divorce every time we have even the smallest of disagreements. I just want to help him, but he won't even talk to me. He doesn't want me calling him while he's on the road anymore.

He'll talk to everyone else but me. He says he can't focus on his job when he talks to me because our conversations require more of his focus. I don't always want to have those kind of convos though. Sometimes I just want to hear my husband's voice and maybe cut up and joke around like he does with everyone else in his life.

He used to make me feel like a priority. Now I feel like a boil that irritates him. We have sweet moments, but I can't help but feel like the ground beneath me is going to crumble even further.

I hate my life and wish I could run away now but I can't because I love all these people in my life too much. Am I crazy? Am I the problem? What am I supposed to do with my life now?

Everything changed this year and we're only about half way through it. I have zero people in my life I can talk to about everything going on, so please, strangers of the internet, any sage advice?

I'm trying to figure out how to live around and overcome my new disability and that's all I know that I can do. I can give more details if asked.

It's so hard to explain so much simply. I just want to know what I can do to fix my marriage. I was seeing a therapist, but she wasn't really helping and my husband didn't want to pay for it anymore.

I've got to find some work I can do and pay for another one myself, but in the meantime, help?