Not easy being a trucker's wife

by Dawn
(Texas)

My husband has been on the road for almost 20 years, and he and I have known each other for 8 of those years. We have been married for 6 years and have a 6 year old son. The only relationship we've known is for him to be gone most of the time.

It is hard with him gone so much, especially for our son. He misses his dad terribly. My husband feels horrible about it, but says he can't come off the road because one, he is the only one bringing in any income, and two, he doesn't know how to do anything else. He feels he can't learn to do anything else so he could be home more, and he says coming off the road would hit our finances and we'd have to make some sacrifices, and he doesn't feel I would be able to make those sacrifices.

I love my husband very much, but there are times he gets very frustrated because when something goes wrong or there are bills to be paid, it all falls on him. When he gets frustrated he tends to get very mean, and he takes it out on me verbally. I get told I am lazy, that all I do is sit at home and eat bon bons all day. Yes, there are days I am lazy, but isn't everyone at times?

I am here at home taking care of our son and homeschooling him, taking care of the house (and yes, I am not the greatest housekeeper, but my house is not a pig stye either). I take care of the yard work unless he is coming home because he enjoys doing that. I take care of making sure all the bills are paid. I do the paperwork for the business, as my husband is an owner/operator that is leased to a company.

I often get told I am selfish, and that all I do is take, while all he does is give. I've told him if he wants me to go back to work, I will, but that means our son will have to go to public school. He tells me he won't tell me what to do, that is a decision I need to make on my own. I have tried to find a work at home job, without much luck, and then he gets mad because I say I am going to find some way to help him, but I never do.

I also get told about him having to pay for medical supplies, as I am a Type I diabetic and we have no insurance. He always makes sure I have my medication, but a lot of times I get to hear about how much it costs. I also get to hear about how he has made all of the sacrifices on our relationship and I have made none. I lived in Illinois my entire life, and moved to Texas to be with him because he said that is where he wanted to live. I left my family and friends, and a good job, because that is what he asked of me and I wanted to do it because he is my husband.

I also gave up my dream of having a beautiful wedding. We got married in the courthouse because that is what he wanted. I never said anything about it because, again, it is something he wanted and I was willing to give up my dream to allow him to have what he wanted.

I guess through all my long windedness, my question is: Am I being selfish like he says? I appreciate very much what my husband does for our family. I realize he has made a lot of sacrifices. When he is not frustrated and feeling sorry for himself, he can be very sweet and kind and does a lot of nice things for me. Unfortunately, I am not always able to return the giving as any money I get comes from him, so it is hard for me to plan or do special things for him. Am I being a horrible wife, or is he being a little unreasonable with continually berating me? I admit, there are days I just feel like leaving, but I don't.