Severely disturbed Husband/Father

I am not a wife, but a daughter of an OTR trucker in which I graduate from high school May of 2017 and then off to college to major in psychology that maybe some day I will be able to analyze my Dad but sadly he may be beyond help.

Right now I am on winter break and wanted to do this post and in my spare time I browse thru this site and I never thought that I would be doing this post and I am hoping that someone reading this can offer some insight on how to handle this situation till my Mom and I move out and move out of state away from a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde Husband/Father.

Can't believe we lost a once loving husband and father due to OTR trucking.

His behavior and actions have my Mom and I feeling out of balance and do not know whether we are coming or going and I do not know if my Dad is aware of his crazy behavior and it seems he can do no wrong. According to him, everybody else is wrong but never him.

Well my Dad now has been doing this OTR for 5.5 years when I was 11.5 years old and he got into this when he lost two jobs that moved to Mexico and a neighbor suggested OTR telling him this is one way of your company not moving.

Before my Dad started OTR, I remember my Dad a very loving and attentive husband and father, even when my Dad first started OTR for after three years he was fine and unchanged but these last few years he started to be a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde and my Mom and I always was very loving and supportive to him when he would be home for home time but now that has come to an end.

As I said it is his behavior and actions that have both my Mom and I wondering what could be going on since my Dad now is emotionally distant and abusive emotionally, not physically, and he does not want to talk things over and does the silent treatment and then a month later he'll talk to us like nothing happened.

Some of his behaviors and actions without provocation from anyone are: out of the blue he would start verbal fights with my Mom, nitpicks at everything, temper tantrums, cussing, banging things, throwing things, cussing at my friends (he called one a lazy fat f***ing c**t, and he threatened to slap the crap out of her and he even told her he would slap the s**t out of her.

My Mom was at work when he cussed and threatened my friend, yelling at me and my Mom. My Mom tells him he will respect us in which he ignores her requests, when my Mom tells him to apologize, he says forget about it, let it go, you ask him what is bothering him, he says nothing.

You tell him we have problems, he says no we don't. On Father's Day, I was going to cook him breakfast but he snuck out in the middle of the night without telling us or giving us a hug and a kiss and he did not spend his day with me so when I called him on my cellphone to ask him why he left and I wished him a Happy Father's Day, he never thanked me, asked where he was at since his truck was gone out of the driveway. I got as an answer it was none of my business, all I need to know is he is OTR, so I threw his cards away in the trash. I was hurt.

He's a slob, he'll leave plates on the dining room table and expects us to clean up for him. Drops food and does not pick up the food. The 5 days he was home he got a shower only one time and that was the day he left to go out over the road, and when we told him to get a shower, he told us don't tell him what to do. He stunk.

Now for the first 3.5 years he was OTR it was great with my Dad and he did say when he came home for home time it felt great to be off the road and spend time with his family that means so much to him. Well that was before my Dad got involved with a handful of truckers that he has in his phone contacts. All I can say is I guess he got in with the wrong bunch in which he may be getting influenced or controlled by these questionable truckers or if he has a woman or women on the side that we don't know about, but whatever is affecting my Dad, he sure is acting like he has checked out on his family and no longer wants to be a family man and I think he just came home to get out of the truck for awhile.

He seems to be very unhappy with us and he gives me the impression of being torn between us and whoever or whatever out there that may be making him happier.

Trucking does change a person. I remember reading about a wife posting on here that her trucker husband abandoned his wife and dog 1,400 miles from home, that means he put them in the truck and kicked them out at a truck stop after getting them 1,400 miles from home and telling his company he's thru with marriage. A real nice guy to let his wife and her dog to get back home on their own.

Who knows this guy may be one of my Dad's undesirable trucker friends.

My Dad may not be at my high school graduation due to his OTR but I know my Mom will be there and that is all I need because my Mom has always been there for me!

So, again, I hope someone can give me some ideas on what is going on since my Dad refuses to discuss anything with my Mom and I and since my Dad seems to be emotionally distant and I can share these ideas with my Mom who works very hard for her and I.

Thank you!

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Feb 09, 2017
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Very possible some type of disorder it seems
by: Hervy

(oh, hard to read this meaning painful to read that you all are going through this...)

Hi sorry for the delayed response, but I am soooo happy you and Mom has options (including what seems like a good job) and the guts to use them.

Good thing is if Dad wants her to go on the road, it doesn't seem like another woman or relationship. As far as money, if she has a great paying job, it would likely cancel out household income to be the same except she would be dependent upon him. Not good. But if he has been driving a while and kept a clean record, he could get a good paying job and not stay out months at a time to get a decent paycheck. He needs to check around for different companies. My guess is, he might not have a clean driving record though. I don't know.

In any case, since he asked Mom to go on the road, it seems to definitely makes what the social worker suggested sound more likely. Some sort of disorder. Especially when you added the personal note of him wanting her to go to work like that. WOW!

That also seems to be in line with the controlling element your Mom tried to tell him about.

I hope the changes causes him to evaluate his behavior but I think it might take something more dramatic for him to realize that it is not normal. I am wondering if siblings or other close family on his side would try to talk with him about it all and have him checked out.

It seems he might or could actually end up hurting himself or someone else. Or for that matter come looking for you all and causing problems.

Tell mom to make sure she informs job about situation so that if he does something silly like calling to make her lose her job they know what is really going on.

Prayers are with you all, even him. He may need it more. Stay strong and much success on your college experience. (Take advantage to join the clubs that interests you)

Dec 29, 2016
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Severely disturbed
by: Anonymous

Hi Hervy, thanks for giving your insight but you have me confused as to you saying it is hard to read.

I thought I made myself perfectly clear but anyhow I have some new info to share. When I was cleaning up for my Mom as she was working, I happened to be cleaning my Dad's closet and I found something that he brought out of the truck and decided to keep home.

I found a 5 x 7 frame of my Mom & Dad's wedding that he took on the truck with him when he first started and another one of a family pic of my Mom, Dad and I when we took a vacation to Disney Land, and my Mom told me that her friend/co-worker talked to a neighbor who is a social worker at a youth center and she asked him what he thought, and he said he sounds like he either could have a brain disorder, an antisocial personality disorder, or worse, a sociopath or a psychopath and he said we need to keep an eye on our pets because he could kill them.

She told him we have no pets, and he said the best way to deal with him before we move is for us to stay with friends and he did say for us not to blame ourselves because we are not at fault.

It is his problem, not ours, and he asked her what kind of work does my Dad do, well when she told him, all hell broke loose, he told her oh you do not need to tell me anymore, he said trucking can cause relationship problems, etc etc etc and I do remember in the school lunchroom, I did have a few students that asked me oh how is your scant chaser Dad doing, and the last time my Mom and I heard from my Dad was a few days ago, all he did was send a message saying good morning, so as far as we know we have no idea where he's at or what he's doing!

Now another thing I did not mention in my first posting, he is not home every weekend for hometime. He comes home for hometime like every 3 months for 4 days at a time. So basically, he only sees us 16 days out of 365 days of the year and vice versa.

He does it because the pay is not all that great and another thing that sets my Dad off is, he wanted my Mom to quit her job when I started college and go out on the road with him.

He thinks they would be saving money by not paying any bills, my Mom said no, because he was being a control freak, and I know this will sound personal but my Dad wanted my Mom to go to work without a shower because he wanted to put his you know what all over my Mom and he wanted her to go to work and have everybody smell his scent so everyone knows what a great guy he is that she has.

Unbelievable. My Mom told him she works in a large corporation with a lot of co-workers and she could lose her job over it, well that ticked him off, and thank God the company that my Mom works for does have an office where my Mom and I move to when I start college so this way here my Mom does not have to look for employment out-of-state.

All we have to do is take a trip before I graduate, to look at apartments or houses in our new area.

Take care Hervy!

Dec 28, 2016
Rating

Hard to read this
by: Hervy

I can almost feel your pain in going through this. I am sending you and Mom all of the blessings, love and white light I know how to send.

At least you and Mom seem to be super strong willed to make it through while dealing with this.

I must say in my opinion, of course with a lot but still limited details, I believe it is possible that he is involved somewhere else....

On some types of medication/drugs that affects his thoughts and behavior. (That probably is not legal or legal for him to take while driving)

Or he hates his job, outlook on the career and resents being a trucker. This one I think is less likely since he is so consistent with his bad attitude and action toward you.

If you guys haven't I would try several things though.

1. Try recording his behavior on video so that you can prove to him how he is acting. But don't show it to him with malice... Just tell him you want him to see exactly how his attitude is toward you.

Maybe he will watch it, maybe he won't. Give it to him though. Maybe he will watch it when yous guys are not around.

2. Ask him what are his plans for the future of the relationship. Will he retire a trucker? Does he plan on getting off of the road? (I know, the answer will probably not be nice, but hearing how he responds is another feedback loop to inform you on what might be happing - possibly)

3. Have intervention with all family members who are award of his change. I have no idea how this might work, but it's something that you can try.

Obviously there is no magic bullet to figure this out. I tell drivers all of the time they must be proactive in nurturing the relationship. It's not that hard for one poor decision can lead to another then to another then to another and this be the result.

Unfortunately, most people it appears don't value personal development. I am trying to push it more to avoid some of these terrible situations.

I wish you and Mom the very best and expect that you will come out of the other side stronger. Much props for maintaining your grades and going to College. Much props to recognizing how you Mom is carrying that extra weight.

Please continue to be strong no matter what.

Sincerely,
Hervy

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