Strong on the Outside, Feeling a Little Weak & Hopeless on the Inside

by Adriana
(Garden City, KS)

When we got married

Well let me start out by saying, that I'm 24 years old and we don't have any children yet and that I love my husband more than life itself.

I am going on 5 years married to my high school sweetheart. We've been INSEPARABLE since we started dating back in 2006, up until he became an OTR trucker last September.

I remember sitting on our bed folding our laundry having the discussion of whether or not we'd be able to do it, but of course, if the money's good, we can handle it right? WRONG!!!!

He left for his classes to learn how to truck drive in the middle of September. He was told that he wouldn't be making any money and boy they weren't lying when they said that either, well anyways he had 2 weeks worth of classes then 30 days of training, with a fellow truck driver.

I didn't get to see him until the week of Thanksgiving, it was a whole month and a half!! During that time it was especially hard for me to learn how to sleep by myself, not being held onto at night, not getting any kisses, sharing meals with my two cats, being single well practically.

It was especially hard for me when I ended up braking my foot in October and had no one to help me with anything. I would just bawl in the shower as i had to sit in the tub pretty much helpless. It was especially hard cause our anniversary falls in October, so no husband to celebrate with only a stupid cast and some crutches.

I remember when he wanted to come home i was crying the whole 4 hours to pick him up and I thought my heart was going to explode out of my chest.

When I saw him it was like I fell in love with him all over again. However he only got to stay home for a week. Then he was gone again. It was hard too, because the entire time he was home he would just talk about trucking and all that crap, which i didn't mind at first, cause hell I was with my husband. Then it was back out again.

He's missed Christmas, my birthday in February, his birthday in May, and he comes home every month and half for about 4-5 days. Loneliness does seem to find it's way in my home.

I did try to find things to fill my day especially with my full time job i needed something in the evening, so i joined a gym. That would get in the way cause he was team driving for another 60 days after his first home time so there was no certainty of what time we'd get to talk on the phone.

It's very hard when he comes because I can't take off that many days off from work to be with him when's home, and he's always wanting to talk about trucking and since become a lease owner operator, he just wants to buy things for his truck and fix his truck.

You would think that with not getting to come home often, he'd want to enjoy "home." His truck breaks and he's out for like a week at a time and when the wheels aren't moving, there is no money being made.

His second seat is a bit of a horny fellow so my trust is in high demand for my husband, as I know he wouldn't do anything to hurt me, but the fear is always there.

I hate having to do everything at the house and being the husband and the wife, i learned how to change the oil and spark plugs for my truck, with my dad's help.

His personality has changed and I feel that our marriage is no longer his top priority, but yet when we do talk he always says how he's out there trying to make a better life for us and what not.

I am very proud of him and my hats off to any trucker, because it is dangerous and they move all the goods and what not around the US. But man, it's hard for the wives who are left at home to care for everything else.

There have been numerous times when i go shopping alone, or to the movies with my friends and to see other couples holding hands and happy makes me very sad. It sucks to be married but then be lonely also.

He's always in a bad mood but sometimes i feel that he doesn't see the effort i put in the relationship, i don't take my job out on him, i don't take out the frustrations of having my job hold us over when he's truck is broken and the bills need paid out on him, so who do i get to yell at?

Sometimes i feel that he takes him not being home more often out on me. Words sometimes can't describe the emptiness i really feel but yet i have to be strong, for him and for me.

We have tattoos that complete each other when we hold hands, it was off of our wedding invitations, it says "Love still stands, when all has fallen. " i just hope that above everything else, that remains true.

I welcome advice or just little words of encouragement from all the other wives who are strong, and hats off to you also.