The Life I Didn't Sign Up For

by M. Urban
(California)

I've been with my husband for 22 years. We've been in the tucking business for 14 years now.

When he first became an owner op, never did it cross my mind how much I would suffer his absence. At first he stayed local and came home every other day. I had a full time job and we only had one child, so it was no big deal.

Shortly after we had my second child, he decided to do long haul because the pay was great. I stopped working and dedicated all my time to his trucking business. It was great! We were a team. He made every effort to come home every other week.

His trips soon became longer but financially, we were better then ever. Though we communicated all the time, I'd sometimes wonder what he could be doing when he wasn't driving. I was never the jealous type. I'd always been very sure of myself and had a high self esteem, but something just didn't feel right. He was spending more time on the road than at home.

He missed out on the birth of our third child and was never around for sports and school or family activities. I felt like a single mom, everyone wondered if I had a husband, and my family soon started to worry about us. When he was home, sometimes we'd argue over the silliest things and then he'd just pack up and leave again.

I kept telling my self that he would never cheat on me, how and why would he? We'd always say to each other if we ever felt the need to be with someone else, best to end our marriage first before engaging in another relationship. I wanted so bad to believe him but I had a gut feeling he wasn't being honest.

So when he would come home, I'd wait till he was asleep and then go in his truck and check everything. Even the trash bag, under the mattress, his clothes, shoes, sheets, I mean literally everything! I hated the person I had become. I accused him of cheating all the time even though I never found any evidence of infidelity.

I stopped helping him run his business hoping he would quit and get a regular job. But instead, he became more tech savvy and began doing it all from his truck. He had no intentions of quitting. I had a beautiful house, kids, and money, but I didn't have my husband!

I needed to distract myself so I decided to go back to school. There I met a lot people, made new friends. We'd hang out, go to concerts and social events. I stayed busy with school and of course my kids sports and school activities. This all helped me cope with my husband being OTR all the time.

Years went by and things began to change a little. He took more time off work, and spent more time with the family. We'd go on dates, just the two of us since kids have grown. I thought finally we had overcome this terrible phase in our lives. And then, two months ago, he got upset over something so insignificant and sure enough, packed up and left.

I haven't seen him since and he only texted me once and it wasn't to say he was sorry and how much he loves me and misses me. So here I am, sitting, thinking, why this is happening to us. We have everything anyone could ask for, but we don't have each other.

I wonder, if there's someone else? Did he just grow out of love with me? Am I not good enough? Im 38 years old! I have a career. I'm an attractive woman. Then what is it? Is he just so accustomed to being on the road, free of all responsibility at home, with kids and wife.

Is he living a double life? I wish someone would tell me, because I can't figure it out! All I know, is that this is not the life I signed up for nor wish to continue living. I haven't filed for divorce because I hate the thought of not being with him. He's been my partner for 22 years.

I don't want to end up alone then again I'm always alone. I once read somewhere, "Being alone is not bad, the bad thing is being with someone and feeling alone", and that's the reality.