The one and only love of my life, husband, father, and best friend cheated and took her on Rd with him when I would usually go, or stay home regardless

by Melissa
(Thorn Hill, Tn)

I met my Husband while I worked for a Christian drug program and he worked for one also, mine being all women's , his being all men's. We moved back to his hometown wich the trucking company is run by his whole family.

I had not been n a relationship for almost 9 yrs when I met my husband. I had been through so much pain and abuse as a child I didn't want a relationship or did I know the first thing about it!

My walls was so high, no one was allowed n more did I trust anyone. When he meet me, he persuadegg me for ever, it had to b a God Divine meet. I gave n but it took five yrs for me to allow myself to trust, feel loved, b intimate and it not b dirty or someone violating me. I told him everything, let him n where no one else was ever allowed. I could hug him and feel safe, he was my best friend, my world and he put me on a pedestal!

I would have bet a million he never would hurt me esp by cheating. Those five yrs was the hardest for us both, for me to trust, love and let him love me, for him to b patient, understanding and fight the feeling of it wasn't him I had a prob with, it was past sex abuse as a child.

I had a daughter when we meet who was 7, her father died, so he even took n her as his own. Then came our son Kaleb, I lost a Preg before him, a yr latter came our daughter McKenzie, I was very small figured when we meet and even after our son. But after our daughter I started gaining weight, we had battles from small to very large things.

He would and still lies bout the stupidest things. We fought all the time and really I had every proof of Adultry then but I ignored it, and still do. So we started marriage counseling by our pastor. Back n church, I felt freedom again but this time even more, I'd have my bath, kids bath, super and me at the door ready to meet him with hugs, kisses, take his boots off.

Within 3 mo span his 98 Mamaw died whom I cared for, our 38 yr old sis n law died of breast cancer and I was Preg again. He changed, I started having dreams of him leaving me for another woman, n dream he held her n front of me saying I don't love u no more. I had this dream every night, I'd wake up and tell him, feeling it so real and crying.

Three these yrs now, I went on as many rides as I could with grandparents help with kids, he didn't want me too any more, he would put tobacco n his mouth when walked n door so he didn't have to kiss me, he wouldn't and physically couldn't b intimate with me, I knew. I begged him to just tell me and when I did it was all me, I was a bi, I was cheating, etc...

The morning I woke up after another dream I knew I was loosing baby, barely able to crawl I begged him to stay home, don't go out of state, he looked at me, laughed and left. I managed to get n shower and our fifth baby, the 2nd lost came out at 15 weeks. I was all alone. We made it three and buried him.

My husband then started asking me to take me and kids and go visit my mom almost weekly. I finally couldn't take the pain no more, I went to our babies grave and prayed like never before, demanding God to tell me. That night she text me acting as another person telling me he had been with this woman for four months, she went on all rd trips and proof was n his truck.

My husband grabbed me begging me not to go to his work embarrassing him over my crazy head ideas, I flew to garage and found her pillow, covers, magazines, it was set up as her house n back bed. Somehow I still let him convince me it wasn't true, I just didn't want to believe! After another month and her ass calling me on purpose when they was having sex or n truck traveling, she finally called me and handed him the phone.

It was out, the pain I had, I'd went through every abuse and loss n my past than feel the pain I have now. I found out he left the day I lost baby cause she was waiting by truck n the cold, she told me things only he would ever say, love things he said to me, I was just a convenience.

She told him to choose then, I told him I had to hear him tell her, cuss her like they both did me, hurt her, let her out no matter b ing n another state, he waited till he got home to say he ended it, I didn't hear or c it? And found out that night I was Preg again, don't know how since he never could function with me but I was.

Every since our every days r miserable, I'm constantly throwing sarcastic remarks to him bout them both. I have a wall like I've never known b fore. I made him tell me details and it's just devastated me more. But I'm bigger than I have ever been Preg or not. It's all my fault but then I hate him for hurting me, I was doing and b ing all I could for him, my insecurity is insane! I can't even lay with him, let him c me naked, I hate myself, feeling so ugly, I was lame n bed, it was all me he went to her and I'll add mitt she is one sexy hot lady, but everyone's had a turn. I could never compare, I've not had the practice she has had to have slutty moves, I had already reached a point of pleasing him anyway he wanted and being happy to do it, so what did I do wrong, fat, ugly, and couldn't please ever like her.

What's worst is he tells me it never felt good, she was nasty gashed, he didn't touch but outing it n, never enjoyed it, never seen what her privates looked like and the worst is he had to go screw her, take her on trips cause she black mailed him and he was afraid to loose me or her do something to family.

First time she asked him to get n her car, drive around and talk about her working cleaning trucks. Shit!!!! He said all the sudden it just happened and he blacked out and so she had him blackmailed from their. He didn't like it?? All 6 months????

All the awful things said and done to me by both, besides, she told me 3 times and he would lie and me b n denial. Anyway, he said he would quit job, all promises, none kept. I hate him driving truck, I can't c what's going on b ing at home with 3 kids one here any day. We fight daily, no sex, kids r miserable, he swears he picked me not b cause he wouldn't have to pay child support and stuff, its made him love me more, we r strangers, miserable but as much as I hate I love him more and can't lose him but can't live this way either and he has started same behaviors again, when he was with her. He stays on rd and I hear at home,

I dont go no where, lucky to bathe, don't dress up at all and the pain daily is like the night they both admitted it, the pain is killing me and we r killing each other and our kids. I make him miserable now.

HELP, we both say we want to make it but u know as well as I do he liked her, her sex and black mail my ass and just how many more n his truck b sides me? This is the man who saved me, gave me joy and happiness, why???? A truck drive ing thing?

She is a lot lizard local, with no home but were any man will take her. He did have feelings for her. We go try to do things alone like before and it's such hard work, we are strangers!! I had a fetish, n warm weather, summer go have sex with him, my husband by remote rivers, woods b brave and go behind buildings n car, well they did that, since then he can't do what I always loved doing with him!

I'm dieing!!! And if not for baby, I'd off myself. What do we do?