Too much drama with this trucker

by No Drama Queen
(WI)

My fiance has been driving over the road for a year now. When he first started driving we talked on the phone a lot. I mean like 8-10 hrs a day!

Part of the reason for talking so much was so I could keep track of where he was and what he was doing.

I had very good reasons for not trusting him. He had some social networking accounts with a lot of female friends and he didn't see anything wrong with having their phone numbers and talking to them while he was driving. But what really bothered me was when I discovered that he'd been e-mailing some of them and would tell them he was going to be close to their town and "would love to meet them for lunch...just as friends".

We've come a long way since then in this past year and I'm about 85% convinced that he's not doing that any longer. He's deleted all their numbers, deleted his social networking accounts, removed them from his yahoo messenger friends list and no longer has a computer in the truck.

He's talked a lot about wanting to quit driving and find a job close to home. I'm a web designer and work from home. When he told me that he wanted to quit driving I was excited that he would be able to spend more time with us. (I have 4 kids living at home) Over the next couple of days we talked a lot about what had to be done before he could quit his driving job and decided that I needed to spend more time working towards expanding my client base so we had a steady income while he was looking for a new job.

We agreed that he would continue to drive for two more years while I worked on the business. We also discussed how I needed to set aside more time each day and devote that time to building the business.

That's when we hit another rough spot. When I was no longer spending as many hours on the phone with him every day he started accusing me of cheating on him. Every phone call turned into a fight and he was constantly accusing me and yelling at me.

If I would tell him I needed to get off the phone to get some work done he would start texting me to fight with me. This has been going on for four months.

We've started working through this and he realizes now there was no reason to accuse me.

For the most part the fighting has stopped but now he's extremely clingy. He calls constantly and if I'm trying to work then he wants to just sit on the phone and listen to me work (but he can't keep quiet long enough to let me concentrate).

He whines about how he hates being on the road, asks for time off all the time or asks to have them schedule loads close to home so he can spend time at home, complains about how hard his life is and how he's so bored, and etc.

Can anyone tell me if all of this is a normal part of being with a trucker? I'm getting to the point that I don't want to talk to him and don't want him to come home for home time.

If life is going to be like this for the next 2 years there may not be any wedding in our future.

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Aug 01, 2011
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Actions do Speak louder
by: Anonymous

Many people have a hard time with temptations and it’s in everyday life. It may be the man working his hind end off for his lady at home. Trying to give her all he can. It may be the lonely wife or girlfriend at home waiting for her trucker man to come home.

I was married very young and my ex husband had some ego to fulfill. He was not a trucker but a hard working man. He kissed many a ladies in our married years. It might have felt better if they were pretty but they weren’t. I was raised to be the good wife keeping the house clean, staying fit, dinner on the table kids taken care of.

That is what I was was taught all those beliefs I stick by them to this day. My ex husband took it all for granted and when it was gone he begged for it back.

It has taken a long time and yes! I met a trucker this past December. I thought he was the one. We talked every chance we could get. I felt I was the comforting voice while he was away. I wanted to provide the safe nest for him to come home too. I believed that is what he wanted too. Until I found out there wer other women he was chating with. I aske dhim to leave but did not tell him why.

So bottom-line is: I say to anyone man or women lonely or not. THINK before you cross that line is it worth throwing everything you have away for an ego boost? You may think its innocent fun to pass the time away. Wouldn’t it be far better to dream up ideas on how you and your partner will spend together. The homecoming, your goals & dreams? You should be each other’s everything.

I have no doubt that for the men & women on the road it can be more tempting than any other occupations. It takes a real man to not lose the best thing in his life.

Cheating is easy for anyone it’s the aftermath that’s not worth it.

I for one am thankful for the truckers and the work they do. Maybe someday he will see I was worth walking through water for but I’m not holding my breath. .

Mar 11, 2011
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Thank You
by: Anonymous

First of all, I would like to Thank you "No More Drama Queen" for the intellectually stimulating conversation piece, and for the rest of the story on your situation. Yes I definately agree 100% with Hervy about getting the 3rd outside help for your relationship, if you truely want it to work out...That choice is yours and his together, it takes 2 to make a relationship work. I wish you all the very best of luck in your decisions.
Now Hervy we do make an excellent team, you should open one more web page titled "Gossip Column with Hervy and (drum role...suprise)Vanessa" from "The Greatest Men In The World are faithful Truck Drivers" I have had a wonderful time going point to point with you, and hope to have many more...Kudos to both of us. Hervy you have my info, write me if you wish, would love to hear from you.Vanessa

Mar 10, 2011
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Some background history pt 2
by: No Drama Queen

Due to a lot of problems with that company he decided he no longer wanted to drive for them so I did some work and got him hired into the current company which has been great. His old boss was paying for his cell phone so when we changed companies I put him on my cell phone plan. That's when the calls to all his female friends stopped...because of course I could track who he was calling. What I did notice was an increase in how much he was talking to and texting his ex-wife. But contacting his other female friends didn't stop when he was home and had access to a computer. One night everything came to a boiling point and I gave him the ultimatum of me or them. The following week when he came home he deleted his social profiles.

It was about two weeks later that he said he didn't want to drive truck and wanted a job at home and it was then we discussed getting some income coming in before he quit driving. And then the fights from him began when he started accusing me of cheating on him because I wasn't talking to him for hours on end all day long.

I understand what you're saying about his need to have extra love and support from me to feed his low-self esteem issues. But I'm not sure how much more I can give to him. Right now we still talk to each other for at least 4-6 hours on the phone each day. I wake him up at all hours of the day and night so he can get back to driving, I calculate all his routes and send him driving directions through the qualcom. And on top of that he'll frequently call me and tell me where he is and ask me to tell him how far he is to some distant location. In addition to all this that I do for him I have 4 kids at home that range in age from 8-16 and I homeschool the 16 year old. I also have a few web design clients that I do work for, and I've been going through a lot of self-directed training to improve my skills to build up the web-design company. Like I said...I'm not sure how much more I can give him to feed his low self-esteem issues. There's only so many hours in a day.

I'm really trying to make this work and give him a chance to make things right with this relationship but more and more I feel like I'm being smothered because he needs so much from me. I feel like I'm neglecting the kids for his sake. We didn't seem to have these problems before he started driving but then I guess I'd have to admit that he didn't have the ability to visit his friends or talk to them in person since he was unemployed and around me 24/7. But he did still talk to them a lot on his social profiles. The problems came to a head when it was obvious that he wanted to be out and meet these people and I felt it was inappropriate and I could trust him.

Mar 10, 2011
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Some background history pt 1
by: No Drama Queen

I want to thank all of you for the information you have given me so far. Also I wanted to give a bit more information to show some of what's happened in the past and what is going on right now.

Hervy in response to your somewhat question about whether I posted something a year ago. This is actually the first time I have visited this site and posted anything. I've just reached the point of desperation with what's going on and started doing some research to try to find some help somewhere.

First of all we've been together for just over two years. A couple months short of us being together for one year he left me for another woman. This was before he started driving truck. When I met him he was not driving because of a few factors (long story). I went through a lot of work to get him back into a truck because that was what he wanted to do for his career. A couple of weeks before everything fell into place for him to start driving again is when he left me for another woman. He was with her two weeks then got into the truck and started his new job. The day he left she moved back in with her ex-boyfriend. Over the next three weeks she over drafted his bank account and spent all the money he sent to her.

So after 5 weeks he ended the relationship with her and a few days later he called me and asked what I thought about working things out and getting back together. I took him back and gave him a second chance. He came home for home time about a week later and was home for a full week and then left. After he left was when I discovered that he'd sent instant messages to several of his female friends stating that he'd like to meet them in person for lunch as "just friends". He'd been on the road for only a few days when he admitted to me that he let some woman spend the night in the truck with him because she couldn't find anyone to give her a ride... yada yada yada but "nothing happened". It was just a week after that that the company left him stranded down in TX for 8 days and he was less than 2 hrs away from a gal he'd been talking to on the phone and internet for a long time. During the time he was in that area he rarely talked to me and wouldn't answer his phone and kept telling me that he was doing work on the tarps and truck and etc. His boss eventually told me that he had asked him if it was okay to drive the truck down to see or but was told no. I was also doing some record keeping for his boss and discovered a huge discrepancy in the amount of fuel used vs. the number of miles he'd driven for loads. The answer was obvious but he denies any wrong doing to this day.

continued.... in pt 2

Mar 10, 2011
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This is a video I made a while ago
by: Hervy

this is about parent child relationship in particular but forgiveness in general. The general aspect of it is what is possibly relevant in this case. Not saying that you are the person I am describing. I am saying that I may say something that keeps you from going down a certain path from dealing with what you have experienced.

Mar 10, 2011
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Part II Drama No More!
by: hervy

Maybe! :-)

What I wanted to come back and say though were two additional things that I woke up thinking about early this morning.

1. I think you both could benefit from counseling for him to hear from a 3rd party of how not to be clingy and how to rebuild trust after destroying it.

2. Also I would tell him that if he is so bored and wants to get off the road so bad then he needs to help her build the business.

That will occupy his time, build up his self esteem, keep you both connected, help build the business quicker.

Now you just have to figure out how to get him involved. Get him to learn about whatever aspect of the business that is a good fit for his personality and strong points or for what skills he has. Or give him a script and flyers. When he is bored, he could walk and visit local businesses.

Marketing, cold calling, designing, graphics, research, etc.

So there it is, my 2 more cents.

What ya think?

Mar 10, 2011
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response to special loves
by: Hervy

lol, well I woke at 4am still thinking about this and jumped on to add to what I said earlier and found you message here. Exciting!:-)

ok, let's see.

I agree, that type shouldn't be in truck without being aware of his own personality and have a productive way of dealing with it. Many people however don't have that level of self awareness or insight about trucking to examine what they are getting into.......which is why I am doing what you said....made the website to cover far more than trucking in and of itself.

I actually use trucking as a tool to try and get people to look at life a certain way which they can apply to trucking and outside of trucking but sssshhhh don't tell anyone.

I am hoping this will make not only the trucking industry better but people's lives better.

So thanks for your observation (i am somewhat needy and thrive on reassurance too! :-)and it is accurate that I made it for all aspects of trucking LIFE (life being a key word there). And now you know the rest of the story.

ok back on topic sorry for the delay.

He did break the trust, I don't know how soon he did it or if the eggs were before the hen but that doesn't matter. He broke the trust.

HE didn't say she was the reason. I was speculating that he might have ended up there by needing more attention, so don't think that is part of his flaw too.

That was my thought of possibility. And I only say that because if this is true it is helpful to understand what type of person he is and how to best deal with that going forward.

Now if I was completely off base, and only she would know those details, then she should completely disregard that part of my response.

Bottom line he was wrong and it does destroy trust.

Having said that....

His actions show that he decided she was right about him being wrong! So he made some changes.

But now he is needing to fill that emptiness again.

True it isn't her responsibility to make up for his personality issues. But, she can't ignore his needs and expect things to also stay in tact as if he was a person without that problem. That's just reality.

As far as being made aware of doing wrong and paying for it, I think she did that. No computer, no profiles is consequences of his actions and there are probably more (and I am judging here). So I think he get's that.

What I wanted to come back and say though were two additional things.

But it would fit in this post so it is here

Yeah anon I think we make a very good team, forget Phil we could start our show!

Well, I am up, might as well go to work!

have a great day.

Mar 10, 2011
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Special Loves
by: Anonymous

Well Dr. Hervy, lol
Some of what you had to say is or maybe very true. But think about this please...
There are men out there who do need extra attentions in the field of love, caring, and nurturing. You know as well as I do, that kind of man has NO business being in the trucking industry, because love over the road is VERY LONELY and very unfulfilling in that respect. You know, you started this web page for all aspects of the trucking world (I personally am very grateful for it and your understanding perspective.). Now from what I've read of this story, is we have a man who had a seperate social life from this lady, causing her justified mistrust, What is one very important key factor for relationships of all types? TRUST..he broke that right off the bat..Then he changes tactics, and disposes evidence of HIS PAST MISDOINGS, normally (psycologically) starts to put the dirty deed blame on her-guilty feelings coming thru "NO", I think sooo. As I said earlier NORMAL REACTIONS of the guilty. Now comes the realization that he made a bad mistake, not only for the actions, but for the accusations as well, boom no more fighting, he wants to come home permanetly, fearing not only will she do the same as him (affair), but may even leave him, insecurity YES, deserved YES, will need a lot of repairing of the relationship definately YES. But just giving him a pass on his past deeds-NO, he has to earn her trust and respect back, and smothering her for his insecurities is not the way to do it, if she does allow this and and nurtures his need for extra special love with no consequences for his actions, she isn't doing him or herself any favors and he'll do it again because he knows he can get away with it. ABSOLUTELY NO DISREPECT TO MEN, but you really are simple creatures of habit in a lot of respects, but not all and there is always the exception to the rules. I find my conversations with you (Hervy) very stimulating and exhilerating, and maybe Dr. Phil should hire both of us, lol, devil and his advicate, lol

Mar 09, 2011
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response to Anonymous
by: Hervy

Anonymous I feel what your saying and there are guys who fit what your describing, I just don't see that complete profile here this guy seems to have shifted his attention back to where it should have been.

If however it is ignored it will then shift back somewhere else, then he may end up the guy your talk about, almost.

The guy your talking about, has no self esteem issue. Well he does, but it's too much self esteem not too little.

He has an ego problem. He is arrogant. He never would have gotten rid of the computer or deleted his accounts online.

He would have simply made some excuse and disregarded how it made his woman felt. See what I mean?

That's not this guy.

This guy may not be a bad guy at all, he just needs to be loved in a special way. lol,

Or extra love. yeah, that's it.

Ok, I'm done. Next

(somebody tell Dr. Phil to give me a job please!)

Mar 09, 2011
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Feel you on the drama, however, I see this differently
by: Hervy

Hi Mrs No Drama Mama, I mean Queen

So, I feel very optimistic about this.

Here's my analysis.

You seemed to have worked through a lot. He seems to have made some significant changes. That's obviously a good sign. Also, I learned knew details since I first replied to this issue. (I think it was you last year)

He was definitely accusing you because of his past flirting and what not from his internet days. It's so easy for him to imagine you doing the same thing.

But here is the deal in my eyes.

I thought he was online actively seeking encounters before. Now it seems like he may just be the type of person who needs to be shown a lot of attention. (Is that true?)

He needs to be reassured (Which all of us men like...) that he is wanted and that you are satisfied with him.

Some people are made up like that you know. If he is not getting enough of that from you, then that could have very well been how he started seeking approval online.

Does he seem to lack self esteem? Is he assured about himself? Unsatisfied with where he is in life?

If you answered yes to these then I think my analysis is about right.

If so, he also feels even more down since your doing things to decrease the need for him more. Building clients to make more money...etc.

Now you and I both know this is for the family, but if he is insecure and has a self esteem issue you'll have to be intentional in making him aware that he is what you want and that you are satisfied and appreciate what he brings to the table in the relationship.

His clingy ways after the changes he's made (which means he now needs attention from somewhere again) may be annoying but I think it's also a sign of him wanting you in his life and at some level, feels the possibility of you leaving.
Remember, he may also have guilt on his conscious after the whole internet episode which doesn't help his confidence in your confidence of him.

If you do want him in your life.....

I don't think just pushing him away or shutting him down is a good thing because he needs attention for the moment. Mean while, constantly assure him that you want him in your life until he is convinced that you and him are a couple today, will be tomorrow and also in the future.

Then tell him that you need to go to work so you can see him more but him to call back later if he wants. He will eventually be much easier to put off while you work.

I think you two can have a great relationship!

That's what I see.

Oh and No, this is not something that is normal/automatic with a trucker relationship. That happens to be the type of personality he has. Seems to be highly interdependent. If his mate is too independent he will live with a void.

But you can bring him out of this.

Hervy

Mar 09, 2011
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I'm sorry for you...
by: Anonymous

Too much drama is right, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but that man has (at least in the past)had affairs on you. You only accuse your mate of affairs if you yourself have done it.

Guilty heart, guilty mouth. I've seen that game too many times. Pick and choose from many only to find out the home front was the best to begin with. And now he is trying securing that.

His other affairs have lost interest in him and his little games. In the meantime you my friend have been stuck raising the kids, keeping the home front running smoothly and financially stable, my hats off to you, and my hearts poured out for you at the same time. I mean NO insult, but will be honest with you.

And any man or woman who reads this will know exactly what I'm saying.

Good Luck in your future, whatever you decide to do with it.

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