Trust issues - depressed

by Carol T.
(texas)

Hi, just joined the forum. Need some advice. My boyfriend just passed his cdl and waiting for orientation and start of driving his first miles.

He's been out for 6 weeks now, and even though he was told he could take a week off he decided to stay in the paid for hotel as he does not have any income. In between college and now back at the hotel he has not called much and when I call him he leaves the room he's sharing with another student driver.

At first I didn't think anything of it and I want to be supportive but it seems he's hiding to talk to me. They have had parties in his hotel room as well as during school they (other student drivers) got together to go out and drink. He himself told me one of the guys who is married with children, said that if he had a chance with a woman he would definitely take it.

Although I trust my boyfriend his coed makes me insecure he is living with the type of guy who is always talking about woman and things I can't mention that are inappropriate. The thing that makes me very insecure is the fact that my boyfriend has to leave the room when I call so that I won't hear the noise.

I feel as if there are woman in the room as part of the "get together" and he is lying to me. The reason I feel this way is because he says he'll call me back and he doesn't. If I text he won't answer, this has happened every time there is a so called get together for happy hour or hanging out. There are woman in his class however HE is the one that by his actions is making me feel insecure.

I feel this new trucking career will destroy our relationship. We've been together for 10 years and have not been married due to his financial burdens and child support issues. He has no way of contributing to providing for our family so he choose to give trucking a shot.

For this reason I can understand the sacrifice what I don't understand is why should I always be the supportive one and he does not see that I am also affected by being home alone taking care of everything else. Instead of making me feel at ease and that he is not doing anything he shouldn't, is the total opposite.

He makes me feel he's lying and hiding something. To clarify, I am not the needy type. I have a demanding job and kids so not much time for that, however honesty is everything to me.

I have given up a lot to be with him and spent many years of my life waiting for him to get things settled. It makes me feel so insecure and sad that after my sacrifice to continue with the relationship. I lost all these years of creating a stable family memories for my kids for nothing.

Sorry for the length of this, just feeling very depressed. He's losing our relationship just for a few months between studying and hanging out at the hotel until he's assigned to drive?

It's like he's a little boy with college freedom, I don't even recognize him. This is affecting my daily family life having the household to myself, daily stresses and his attitude is just contributing to affect how I can handle his absence plus having to worry about if I can trust him or not.

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Nov 21, 2016
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Leave ASAP
by: Anonymous

I have made the decision myself to leave and not look back. This job does change them and a lot has to do with the freedom - no boss looking over their shoulder and if they do cheat, they can do it without being caught because they surely now will tell us!

With these guys, you better be ready for sex at any hour that is for their purpose. Before mine came home for home time few months ago, I had to have a wisdom tooth extracted and I had to be put to sleep and the oral surgeon did tell me that I would be in pain and gave me pain meds which did cause drowsiness, well when my husband came home for home time instead of letting me rest, well he was waking me up all hours like he determined how much sleep I needed and since the IV was put in my hand, my husband grabbed that hand to place it on his you know what and expected me to be wise awake to serve him and by the way to give you an example of how the mindset of some truckers are and the way they think, I got into Trucking Blog and I feel sorry for this one woman, the title was Louisiana Trucker Abandoned Wife and dog "Roscoe" During Route - well the wife claims she has helped her husband with loads and deliveries for years and unannounced to her,

Her husband told his employees and staff that he was finished with their marriage before they left with the load, she claims that her and her husband got 1,400 miles from home and he left her and the dog at a truck stop and she is stranded and abandoned - well he sounds like a real sweetheart and to do this to his wife right before Thanksgiving and Christmas is despicable, but look who did this, need I say more!

I have a co-worker that told me her aunt divorced her OTR trucker husband because right after her aunt gave birth, her husband got into a nasty fight with her because he felt a woman should be ready for sex no matter what, so even right after giving birth and being sore, her jerk of a husband did not want to take NO for an answer!

And even at work, when my husband called, my co-workers have asked me when the hell am I getting rid of him, well after the oral surgeon incident, now my co-workers are congratulating me for being ridden if the problem and now I have my freedom! Since you are not married and this guy is your boyfriend and you have no children by him, you are under no obligation to him and you are free to walk away and whatever you do in the future for your mental health, do not date an OTR trucker!

Oct 31, 2016
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Unbelievably sad but we must move on
by: Anonymous

Each day that has gone by these two weeks has convinced me more to like you said trust my instincts. I really appreciate your feedback it open my eyes a lot both anonymous replies. I'm really amazed on the similarities of her story you were with him for 6 1/2 years.

Him being influenced by others, picking A fight for no reason, etc. oh but the part where you say that your husband would talk at least 12 to 15 times a day with the other trucker it's incredible! I opened my boyfriend's cell phone invoice and he has called the friend that he just met over there more than 10 times daily between text and phone calls.

It seems it's more important to talk to him then to talk to me and let me tell you we used to talk every single day multiple times a day and he was the one who called me most of the time. It's amazing how a little bit of freedom can show their true colors because I am totally convinced this is my boyfriend's true colors and I need to get out because physically and mentally it has affected me. I can't sleep I don't eat.

To be honest I held help but he has not called into weeks and this is not like him it's not the person that I've been for 10 years. With this said I would definitely trust my instincts I/we do not have to put up with this.

Of course I have to end it because he has me guessing and playing with my mind but Not anymore, he can continue with his freedom and do as he pleases I'm not going to get sick with any STD and I'm not going to be worried all the time of what he is doing and worrying if he safe. He doesn't care if we are safe or not.

Oct 30, 2016
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Trust your instincts
by: Anonymous

Don't stay because you're afraid to leave. Afraid of making a fresh start...just do it. If you feel that strongly that he is lying and possibly being unfaithful then he probably is. You deserve better. Trust your instincts and inner voice it's almost always correct!

Oct 30, 2016
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Trust isues
by: Anonymous

Walk away and do not look back! My husband has been trucking for 6.5 years now and let me tell you the first 2 years were really great, he looked forward to home time, spending time with me and our 2 daughters. By the way my 2 daughters are pre-teen and teen.

Well everything was great up until he got with some truckers and they basically influenced and brainwashed him big time. He says cuss words that he never used before, his bedroom rumps in the sack have changed and he starts and picks fights for no reason at all. In those 6.5 years he has lost 4 team drivers who no longer want to be with him, he's solo now. And that other guy you mentioned.

I feel sorry for his wife, because if he catches an STD and gives it to her, of course, he will blame her for it. I can't speak for every truck driver, but I really believe trucking changes a person on the road, that after they get a taste of the road and are away from family, they love it.

As one of my coworkers the other day called truckers "highway gigolos" because she is not married, she is single living at home with her parents, so she has time to browse this site and she has told me that if she ever gets with a guy and he tells her he is a trucker, she'll tell him to take a long walk on a short pier! And about your boyfriend's married roommate of getting a girl, yes, with trucking, it is very possible because while the cat is away, the mouse will play.

I have checked online phone records and good God my husband talks up a hell of a lot of time with these other truckers, one guy in particular, he talks to at least 12-15 times a day and they are lengthy talks. He only talks to us maybe once or twice a day and sometimes we only get a text msg saying good night, he's going to bed, he's tired.

I have removed Skype from my computer, even my 2 daughters do not want to be bothered with their father for the way he calls me and talks nasty to me. And after the end of this year, both myself and my 2 daughters are moving in with my parents. They got the extra room. And I will tell you me and the girls will be better off without him. I had a disturbing dream the other night and that is we all were at this public park for a family picnic and this girl started to come over with this little boy and my Mom remarked of how much the little boy looked like my husband and this guy who was a friend of my husband's said to me oh man you mean to tell you he's keeping you in the dark that you are not aware he has someone out there on the road, and before I or anybody else could answer, I have no idea how the dream ended because my alarm went off for me to get up for work!

My husband called and told me I better get a second job to afford all our expenses because he's done sending the check to the bank, now this came out of left field without provocation!

And there is no talking to them. Last time he was home, I told him we need to talk, he says about what, there is nothing to talk about, but later when we went to bed he had the gall to say to me oh take your clothes off so I can F**K the S**T out of you, I said I think not, he goes into the other room to watch TV or I guess get on his phone, and he comes back to bed while I am sleeping and then he starts to grope me and I push his hand away, and he never did this till he got around those other truckers! So as you can see why me and my 2 girls are leaving!

So for your physical and mental health, I would leave him! And both myself and my 2 girls catered to my husband, making sure he had his truck well stocked and he was well fed, but now that he has turned into a nasty Dr.Jekyll/Mr. Hyde personality, we are getting away, so just remember you did nothing wrong, it is them! Good luck!

Oct 29, 2016
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Thank you
by: CarolT

Thank you I appreciate the comments and the advice. I really don't know what to do he had plans for the future and mention them to me and stated that he loved me so much. But right now after last week yes he called me every day this week but I didn't pick up because he says the harshest things just to turn things around and this way he does not have to give any explanation. I do have a child and dont want her to witness his temper.

When everything goes how he wants and I don't ask any questions he is the greatest person as soon as something happens either between us or with other people he would take it on me. He has not kept a job because of his temper and always ends of being fired b/c he doesn't like anyone to tell him what to do or give him advice that goes for work, family and me.

Yesterday, at 9pm I decided to call home and had sent a text responding to his morning phone call, stating that I was at work and would call in the evening. I wanted to be at ease either break up or move forward.

it was obvious he was in in bed but hung up the phone at the second ring, I don't know if it was him or somebody else I called again and it went into voicemail so I left a message a calm message, I have not heard from him since. Again turning things around and giving me the silent treatment so that I can feel guilty when I did nothing wrong. This drives me nuts I can't concentrate on work or my child. I had to leave her with a friend yesterday because I was so distraught you know it has been 10 years I don't deserve this. I have been there for him always.

The hardest thing for me is the guessing part, not knowing if he is with someone else if he's cheating. It's the weekend and now in this time he doesn't answer, punishing me.

When we have had arguments in the past and I try to talk like an adult with him he mocks me a repeats what I say, if I tell him I didn't pick up the phone because I didn't feel well he immediately would ask if I'm with someone else In the house, offending me. But then on a next argument he would do exactly the same thing I did and repeat my exact words from a previous argument that could have happened weeks ago he would remember exactly what I said and how I said it.

Oct 24, 2016
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Wow... that was long....
by: Anonymous

With just the short comments you made, I'd be history.

You are letting his ass dictate your mental health and well-being from hundreds, if not thousands of miles away.

Thank God you don't have kids.

I'd say "Peace out dude" and move on with my life.

Maybe, just maybe, you might get those phone calls returned...

I say "nah" .. too much trouble. The outcome isn't gonna be all peachy.

He's a punk.. and a selfish one at that. He don't realize how hard it is to find a good woman.

Why stay? I missed that part.... either that or it was because there is no reason to stay

Oct 24, 2016
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Assess the person and relationship and make a decision
by: Hervy

Only you know the details of who he is and what the situation is with the both of you. Having said that, based on what you have stated, here are my 2 cents.

Any single thing that you described, I wouldn't even comment on. For instance, I would also leave the room to talk to you. I would want to hear you without asking you to repeat yourself and if the people around are childish, disrespectful, ignorant, loud or mindless in general I wouldn't want them in the background of our conversation. Plus I don't like people in my business depending on what we are going to be talking about. I am private like that.

(I won't talk on the phone in lines or in public around people for the most part including friends. I don't even answer the phone. I also feel like I am compromising the quality of my time with the person on the phone and the person who I am in front of or visit if I am on the phone. So for me walking out of a room to be on the phone is not a big deal by itself. I realize that most people don't do it like this. So they would consider how I do it strange.)

Having said that, you been with this guy for 10 years. When you said, it's been no married due to his situation, was that your decision or his? If it is yours, it is smart, if it is his, although good for you, was the reason to put you off or buy him time? (I ask for you to ponder)

Another thing I would say is to assess the quality of this guy. Only you can do that. Is he a better person than when you met him? Because if you now describe him as a child with new freedom, he doesn't seem like a mature man.

If that is true, is that who you want to be in love with and marry one day? (Again, I ask for you to ponder)

Here is why I ask these question for you to ponder. Women seem to get involved with low quality guys for strange reasons. Then they get treated poorly or have a strained relationship or end up single often with kids and a non supportive partner complaining. Make sure there are good reasons you are with this guy. Make sure you are attracted to him for the right reasons. Because if you are tied down for someone who basically makes you insecure and not happy, who do you blame for that? So my point if to evaluate the relationship now. Ask yourself if this guy the type of guy you would be proud to be married to. (Forget the time you have spent/invested. It doesn't matter. You can't do anything about that.)

So here is something I would advise, if you are not sure about continuing with him.

Tell him how you feel. Ask him what the plans are for future with you. See what his response is.

If you are on the fence, determine what side of the fence you are going to jump off on based on how you feel about his response to that question.

If he is serious about you and a future with you, he should be wiling to think about that future and talk about that future.

By the way, there should be a plan for how to attack the debt anyway. Which ones first and how much per month allocated. Because if he has all of these issues, you want to make sure that is what happens with the money and not him spending it on the road, since YOU said he is acting like a college kid, which indicates some some level of immaturity.

Well, hopefully you will read everything, not be offended and think about what I have suggested. If it applies use it, if it doesn't disregard.

Remember I don't know you. I only comment based on what I commonly see out here and talking to many men and women about their relationships. Some I am imaging your situation might be similar to some of those that I have encountered from people that I talk to.

Scenarios that I have mentioned are not hypothetical, they are scenarios that I have witnessed more times than I can count.

They may or many not be your situation. You have to figure that out. But what you say to him and questions that you ask and his response can tell you a lot about the truth in the quality of your relationship and/or person that you are in a relationship with.

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