Way to long before he comes home....

by Pat
(Maine)

Hi, I'm not married to my trucker but we have been together 3 1/2 years. We met when I was visiting in Ar. and used to see each other a lot as he drove down through missouri, ok, texas area.

Once I came back home to Maine now we don't see each other very much at all, maybe twice a year. He says his company (conway truckload) can't get him up this way. I'm not sure I believe that and I have to wonder if he just isn't interested in a commitment with me anymore.

He calls my home (ours) and says things like "when I come home". He often says I'll be home in a couple weeks but that just never happens and it will be several months before I see him.

In 2013 we saw each other one time. We do talk several times every day on the phone. Do you think he doesn't want the same things for our future that I would like? I want marriage and a some what normal life with him. I don't want him to stop trucking just to come home once in a while. By the way...I am 53 and he is 55, we are not young.

I'm hoping you can give me an outsiders point of view on what may be happening here.
Thank you
Pat

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Jun 21, 2014
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What do you want and what does it require NEW
by: Hervy

I think you need to define 2 things. Write it down on paper.

1. What do I define as a marriage and somewhat 'normal' life? Exactly what does that look like to you?

2. What is it I want for a future with the man I love? What does it look like?

Now read over what you have written.

Ask yourself this question. What are the traits and characteristics of a man that are required in order to produce the type of situation (future) I have described. What traits and character flaws are incompatible.

Make two categories.

Category 1 Compatible - Good Stuff (This is an example, modify to your desire)

Caring person
Will work and hold a job
Is trustworthy
Is trusting
Open minded to change
Open to self improvement
Considerate of me and others
Great person
Great communicator (or at least see the value in it and desire to become a great communicator)
Positive attitude
Gets along well with others
Love kids
Love animals
Is spiritually rooted
Can admit mistakes
Apologizes when wrong
Would make a great father
Would make a great friend
Is health conscious
Abundant mentality
A giving person
A grateful person
Fortcoming

Category 2 Incompatible - Bad Stuff (This is an example, modify to your desire)

Poor work ethic
Poor communication, don't see a need to improve
Manipulative
Self centered
Set in ways no desire to change any of them (Would say, “That's just who I am” regardless of issue)
Closed minded
Poor attitude
Always criticizes and finds fault
Negative person
Bad habits I don't like
Never considers how choices affect health
Hard to make happy
Wouldn't make a good parent
Poverty mentality
Secretive

OK, now look at the guy you are with and count how many good things he has that works for you and how many things that won't work for you. Are you compatible?

Is this still the guy you want to be with?

Maybe there are some question you want to ask him to help you make a decision with regard to a few of the things on the list on either side.

If you don't like what you see problem is already solved. Get out of the relationship.

If you still like what you have in a boyfriend, take what you have written as a response to question 1 and quest 2 and have a serious conversation with him about what your future looks like together.

If he doesn't run out of the door, he will ask you whats up with the conversation. You might then introduce what you have written about your desires for the future and let him know how you wanted to include him in the picture.

Of course you wouldn't neglect to mention that it is important to know if you were also included in his.

So those are some thoughts and ideas. Don't have to do them step for step, but I am hoping you will see some important foundational and fundamental ideas that many people will not ponder before it's too late.

Don't keep drifting in this/any relationship wondering what is going on in his mind and about what the future holds for you. Have a conversation about the condition of the relationship and the future plans for it.

Then talk about what steps will be taken to move forward and when.

Find out for sure. You deserve it.

As far as getting to Maine, it is not the easiest place to get a load to. Depends on the carrier and how they operate. I don't know about Conway specifically but it is a huge company. Either way, people prioritize what is important to them if they are aware of needed information and mindful enough to do so. The conversation will produce the awareness and mindfulness. See what happens next.

If you are building a relationship together finding a way for him to get their more often is part of the conversation. Many carriers get the more frequently. Also you could move to better location but again those more dramatic things seem too much to me without proof of intention for something more significant in a relationship.

By the way what are you doing to be self sufficient? Something else to consider.
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