What I do is never enough

by Feeling Worthless
(Texas)

My husband has been a trucker for over 20 years, and we have known each other for 9 of those years. He is getting very frustrated being out on the road, but he says he can't do anything else because he is 45 years old and trucking is all he knows how to do.

A lot of the time his frustration get taken out on me, because I am a stay at home mom. He says all he does is work so I can take the money. He gets angry because he is the only one bringing in money (although I do have a cleaning job I do once a week that brings in a little cash).

He gets upset when I ask for money to pay for household bills. A lot of the time I am afraid to ask him or talk to him about money issues, because I always get accused of "stealing" his money. He says that he is not the only adult in this marriage, and it is not solely his responsibility to come up with money to pay bills.

I know that he is not the only adult in this relationship, but a few years back I had some health issues and lost my job. After that we decided that, as our son approached school age, that I would stay at home and homeschool him. Even though this is what we decided together, he is not happy because I stay at home. That is why I got the cleaning job. But, that is not enough, and especially now because my hours have been cut.

Even when I did have a job it wasn't enough because I didn't bring home as much money as he did.

I love my husband, but I get tired of constantly being accused of stealing his money, or being called names by him. He says I am selfish, and I only think of myself. He says he constantly does nice things for me, but I never do anything for him. He does do nice things for me, and I would love to do nice things for him, but I don't usually have any money to reciprocate.

He feels I just sit at home and do nothing, even though I homeschool our son, take care of the bills, take care of the house and the yard, do paperwork for the truck, etc. Is my life at home hard, no, but it isn't like I don't do anything.

Money seems to be a big problem for us, too. He conveniently forget when we spend money on something, and then I get accused of spending the money. He says we have to get a grip on our spending, but then when he's at home he spends money like it's going out of style. I'm not saying he can't spend money, but when he has just been saying we need to save money, it gets a little frustrating. Then if I say anything, he gets angry. He put me in charge of the bank accounts and bills, but then gets mad when money is needed for something, or if something is said about needing to move money around because of spending.

(We had an instance of that today - all I told him was that if anymore money was spent out of one of our accounts money would have to be transferred from another account to cover things, and he got mad.)

Maybe I am being selfish. I don't know. He seems to be upset most of the time that I'm around. There are days I consider leaving, but I don't. Maybe I'm just a glutton for punishment.

I know his job is hard and he has made a lot of sacrifices for us. And I'll admit, I don't think I could do what he does. I wouldn't have the stamina. I would just like to feel like I don't make his life miserable.

Comments for What I do is never enough

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Mar 10, 2016
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I understand NEW
by: Leo

I understand both points of views I'm a trucker too and when pay day comes I get mad sometimes because I got to share my check got to budget with my wife pay bills etc. its frustrating be out here on the road sobering and questions can come to your mind easily we gave a lot of time to let our minds drift into random thoughts. I drifted in deep random thoughts plenty of times thinking my wife blows money spends too much money or even cheated well funny thing is she's a thrifter she's a bargain shopper I just don't like to spend money is the problem. Now I had frisk and accepted that in this world you have to pay bills share with your kids and wife and appreciate the things my wife dies for our family. She works because she wants to help out and I appreciate that lot. We all got to realize don't let money or careers ruin you or others. We got to help our spouses appreciate them strengthen them encourage and don't manipulate them no mind games no downing each other. It's all about respect honesty commitment loyalty love passion and paving a better way. Honestly ya should sit down and ask what are our future goals because after all who wants to truck for someone until your old and gray team work makes the dream work. Best wishes to you

Mar 08, 2016
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He is either manipulative or absent minded
by: Hervy

Tell your husband if he believes he is too old to do something else then he is. If he decides that he is not then he is not. I started school for IT at 43 finished at 45. Still going now for web development. There plenty he could learn to do that doesn’t even take a year. If he has been driving for 20 years then he has skills from that which he could use in some way. Unless you guys live in the woods or desert somewhere. There is probably a trucking school he could teach at. Or that long in the business he could go local or at least regional.

As far as his claims on you taking the money, a budget would kill that accusation. If nothing else, itemize the bill that you pay verses the money he makes. The numbers don’t lie. If he refuses to look at the numbers when you do that then, you have another issue. That issue is verbal abuse. It means he knows that he is saying something ridiculous but he is just trying to make you feel bad. That is a serious character flaw if that is the case. It’s cruel, manipulative and destructing not only to the relationship but can be to your mental if you let it. Don’t. Call him on it and tell him if he wants to stay in the relationships he needs counseling. (Both of you can go to counseling together. Maybe he doesn’t realize what he is doing, you have to judge that)

As far as money being tight, you too can do something to bring in extra money. If you have been cleaning a while use it as experience to start your own service either a business or hustle. Don’t know who you clean for but Merry Maids and similar usually is always hiring or you can start your own service.

Or since you homeschool, that is another type of experience provides knowledge in which people are interested. Start a business (homeschool coach) that coaches other parents about how to effectively homeschool.

If you are not comfortable about how well you are doing with it, then research it and improve it. Master it. You are already doing it, so it will only benefit you. Learn all you can about it. Then market yourself as a homeschool coach. You can also create a website to teach what you learned if you don’t want to actually deal with people face to face.

You don’t seem selfish to me. Didn’t really say anything to make me think that. But with only the things you have written it seems your husband has some issues. Keep in mind, I only know what you have written. You have to consider if there is any info that I don’t have which you left out and how that plays into the thoughts that I have shared.

I think both of you could benefit from counseling so that he can hear from someone other than you that he is being ridiculous and contradicting himself. What is he spending money on anyway. He shouldn’t be opposed to letting you know that because if money is tight, both of you should know where every penny is going and how to stretch it best as possible.

However, you should also have a game plan on how to escape that situation and be working toward it every day. Having that sort of game plan will kill some of the frustration.
Best of luck

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